The Big Letting Go

The other afternoon as I was laying down for my near daily rest and reflection, I started thinking about giving birth to our baby girl. Usually this is accompanied by the excitement of finally meeting our daughter, coupled with the fear of actually giving birth, needing an IV or stitches afterwards. But for the first time, I thought about what it meant for her to come into this world. Right now, she is so safe where she is. She is comfortable, warm, loved and she gets all the nutrients she needs. She has been fortunate enough to not experience any of the imperfections that come with being human: the sadness that is sure to accompany parts of her life, love that will not always be perfect, the pettiness of middle school girls or the realization that not everyone, including herself is perfect. And I realized lying there that giving birth is the Ultimate Letting Go.

Of course, throughout the past 30 weeks, I’ve let go in many other ways. I’ve let go of my body and some of the expectations of what I could do B.P. (before pregnancy). I’ve thought about the other ways I’ll have to let go of our daughter as she grows up, even starting as early as her wanting to choose her own clothes or throwing a fit because she wants her own way – letting go as she comes into her own self, developing her one in a million self-identity. But none of these seem as big as ushering her into this world where life is bound to happen to her, both good and bad. She’ll be born into a world where I won’t always be able to protect her and keep her safe.

The other day, I couldn’t help but pick one of the many dusty Bibles off our bookshelf. I’d been thinking of Mary and what her pregnancy must have been like. She had way more unknowns about Jesus being born, not to mention the high level of expectation of her son being a King. And how about eight days later after she gave birth to him and Simeon told her that a sword would also pierce her own soul – talk about letting go.

For the past couple years, I’ve been exploring God in new ways. Through silence, conversations, exploration of my own questions and doubts (along with Justin’s) and through reading several different books, I’ve come to know God in a very different way. I’m enjoying my newfound direction in exploring grace, salvation and gender equality. That being said, I may write more about spirituality every once in a while – sometimes seriously, other times rather irreverently. I hope that’s okay with everyone.